Unlearning the Art of Self-sabotage (Part 1)

Someone once said, ‘Hell is when the person you are, meets the person you could have become.’ The first time I heard that statement, it really did give me the creeps. Perhaps, this was due to my hyperactive imagination — my mind actually pictured these two people meeting. The implications were very scary, to say the least. How would it be for me to get to a point in my life where I could candidly admit that the reason I wasn’t further along in life or better off as a person, was because I neglected to do things I could actually have done? Or continued doing things I should have stopped doing?

Self-sabotage is something most of us can relate with. It is possible that at some point in your life, you have been the hindrance to your own progress — intentionally or inadvertently. In fact, it is possible that you are currently stuck in a present (undesirable) situation as a result of factors which are within your direct and immediate control.

Self-sabotage occurs when you are able to do something about where you are or what you are going through, but refuse to take appropriate steps to make things better. Conversely, self-sabotage also entails taking actions that are detrimental to the fulfilment of your life’s purpose. It is the result of not doing everything possible to either change a present experience or a future outcome. As an example, consider two people who work at the same company and earn the same income. One saves and invests a part of his income while the other spends every dime. Also think of two middle-aged men; one of them maintains a healthy lifestyle by eating well, resting adequately and exercising frequently while the other is totally careless about these things. One thing that is common to all forms of self-sabotage is the unwillingness to intervene in or take responsibility for things that are within the scope of a person’s control. In other words, it is not self-sabotage if something happens to you which you could not do anything about.

Practically speaking, self-sabotage is a function of thought patterns, attitudes, and behaviors — all of which can be learned and unlearned. Personally, I realized a while ago how I was allowing self-sabotage in my life. Often, at the end of a hectic day, I would attempt to de-stress by turning to social media. I soon realized that not only was this a very unhealthy way to de-stress, I was actually harming myself and engaging in self-sabotage. Hence, I decided to do something about it. I went to a bookstore and purchased a number of interesting novels. If you walk into my room at any time, you will always find a novel beside my pillow. The idea is to never be in a supine position at bedtime, holding my phone for any reason. After my end-of-day routine, I leave my phone on the reading table, climb into bed and — if I don’t sleep off immediately — pick up the novel. This practice has helped me a great deal, truncating what I believe was the beginning of social media addiction. (And yes, social media addiction is a thing).

Unlearning the art of self-sabotage is impossible without two specific attitudes which I refer to as catalytic attitudes. These attitudes are of cardinal significance not only in the sense that they are required to break free from self-sabotage, but also because lacking them greatly limits a person’s chances of ultimate advancement in life.

The first of the catalytic attitudes is self awareness. The simplest way to explain in practical terms, the importance of self awareness, is to refer again to my former self-sabotaging tendencies. Imagine that I did not realize or recognize that there was a problem with my use of social media. It would still have been harmful to me and I would still have limited myself in some way. I just would have done nothing about it. Blissful ignorance, one might say. However, as I have grown older, I have come to realize that there is nothing blissful about ignorance. What you don’t know can still harm you.

Self awareness is what makes you to acknowledge the reality that a weakness, proclivity or limitation actually exists. This acknowledgment — either of a weakness or a strength — is often the first step to gaining mastery.

The second catalytic attitude is teachability. Simply stated, teachability is the ability to learn and improve. It is not enough to simply acknowledge the existence of a limiting factor. Now that you have acknowledged it, what are you going to do about it? In my case, I needed to substitute a harmful behavior for a harmless one and develop a new habit in the process. This involved making and following through with some decisions — no phone at bedtime and a novel beside my pillow at all times.

Changing my phone usage and social media interaction patterns are just few examples. By adopting the catalytic attitudes of self awareness and teachability, I have been able to overcome a number of other personal limitations and indeed unlearn the art of self-sabotage. You too can.

Written by Oluwatotan